Rising to Noble Expectations
Our entire lives are surrounded by the modern media machine. Debates and interviews seem to be the flavour of the day. People are drawn to intellectual clashes on all sorts of topics, seeing themselves represented by the individual debating their views.
A good debate however, is not mere regurgitation of thoughts, facts and arguments, it requires a form of control and stabilisation of one’s opponent lest it devolve into a shouting match (something we unfortunately see all too often). The one who is able to moderate and influence the tempo of the debate is trying to shape the flow of the conversation and likely the one in control. After reading into this, I was surprised to learn that there are many techniques people have come up with over the years. One in particular however, caught my attention.
It has been called the technique of ‘Giving a Dog a Good Name’.
Dale Carnegie referred to this briefly when he wrote:
“There is an old saying: ‘Give a dog a bad name and you may as well hang him.’ But give him a good name—and see what happens!” [1]
Giving someone a name or nickname with negative or explicitly evil connotations will inevitably weight on them like an anchor until they meet it on the sea floor. Such a name will eat away at their self confidence over time and embed itself deep into their psyche until the evil fruits of its meaning has ripened and manifested into their actions.
What then, of the opposite?
When we give someone a good name by being specific in our praise towards them, we inspire them towards actualising that praise. Calling a young man ‘responsible’ or ‘forbearing’ though he may not entirely possess the entire depths of those virtues does something to him. He becomes like a needle, suddenly magnetised and fervently pointing north.
In the context of debates and formal discussions, I have seen media personalities use this technique to pacify hostile interviewers or debate opponents, slyly causing them to rectify their otherwise unbecoming demeanour in order to live up to the subtle praise they have so suddenly received. I have noticed it used to great effect such that even the receiver of praise is unaware of what is happening.
And yet, though we may not be involved in these television or internet discussions and interviews, there is one arena in which this principle applies to us on a near daily basis. One that most people will experience in their life, namely having children.
The Innocence Expectations of Youth
Having children of your own brings this concept to the forefront of one's life. The dynamic between a child and their Parents becomes the arena in which this becomes actualised every day. But this doesn't just occur from the direction of a Parent inspiring their child towards righteousness and virtue, in fact, the river flows in both directions.
Children see their parents as near perfect beings who they return to in times of fear, confusion and distress. When they experience hurt or pain, it is the parents to whom they return for an emotional reset. This behaviour is instinctual. At any sign of instability, the Parent becomes their source of refuge.
As they grow through their younger years, they assume that all the wrongs in the world can be righted through you. Every jar that cannot be opened, every error that appears on a screen, every friend that doesn’t treat them nicely, everything comes back to us in one way or another.
By doing this, our children are giving us the best of names and virtues without saying a single word. They implicitly believe we are inherently good, resilient, patient and strong. They see us as bastions of morality, vanguards for justice, warriors of righteousness. They have known nothing but life under our care and we have not failed them.
We ourselves know however, that we are far from their estimation of us. We too are imperfect and full of flaws we can barely enumerate, and yet, we are everything to them. They never see us in an imperfect light and for many years of their lives, everything we do is interpreted in the best way.
Our children give us the best names and the most praiseworthy attributes that we are undoubtedly undeserving of, and yet - in their innocent expectations we find ourselves called to a higher level of responsibility in order that we may rise to the challenge. We see this innocent, pure admiration and use it as the fuel we need to be who they think we are.
Just as Parents bring up our children, so too in many ways do our children raise us. Through their belief in us as fundamentally good, kind and moral by virtue of our care for them in their stage of vulnerability and weakness, they name us daily though they may yet be incapable of speaking. This feeling has the power to propel a Parent to stations beyond they thought themselves worthy. It is the engine for self-betterment that drives these Parents forwards, maturing their egos, minds and behaviours beyond their years.
Where we may otherwise default to reacting in an angry, irrational or over-emotional manner at something, children can inspire us to act magnanimously, to bear indolence with dignified patience and to overlook that which would normally trigger an angry response.
In desiring to be who they think we are, our children raise us to a station we can only achieve with their help.
Dare we fall short of our children’s expectations? I don't think there is a fate any Parent would wish to avoid more. In every sense of the word, our children yearn to see that we live up to the good name they give us.
May we never disappoint them.
References
[1] - How to Win Friends and Influence People